By Austin Miller-Anderson

Preface

       When they say “it’s a heartache” they mean it is truly an ache in your heart. It is the worst type of pain in the world. You feel like your heart is going to explode. The feeling of emptiness, feeling of sorrow, the feeling that nobody cares, your body feels like everything inside of you is dying or already dead.

            An important quote from the infamous artist Paul McCartney taught and helped me a lot. “When the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer, let it be.”  (from “Let It Be” by “The Beatles”)

            When I lost the most important thing to me I realized many qualities of life, I learned not to take every day for granted, and that the way you deal with the problems of your life is the most important step out of anything. When I thought I had lost everything I had, I realized in the end that I didn’t, because in the end is when I truly lost everything I had.

Chapter 1: Beginnings

I never thought that one day I would lose everything that is important to me. I never thought that one day I would meet the person I wanted to spend my life with. I never thought that love really existed, especially between two men, but it turns out that what I thought didn’t matter anymore. My thoughts were all wrong.

                On a cold December night where the greatest snow on earth resides, were two teenage boys. They were each in separate ends of town, and they had no idea what they were about to embrace upon later that night. Aiden, a smart, very innocent kid was babysitting for a family while they were out for the night, while Jackson, who was also quite smart and was openly gay, was at his small home talking to Aiden online. The two had just started talking recently and they hadn’t met yet. But that was soon to change.

                They didn’t know much about each other besides the basics, and wanted to know more about each other. Aiden had never really thought of himself as being gay before and he always had thought he was straight. Although in his heart he knew that he really liked Jackson. Suddenly, a message came on the screen from Jackson saying “We should meet, I want to meet you.” Aiden had never really met someone from the internet before, and he thought about all those reports on the news and from other adults that talk about how dangerous it was to meet someone off of the internet. When it really came down to it though, Aiden really wanted to meet Jackson. Aiden went out on a limb and sent something back saying “Okay, after I am done babysitting I will call you.”

                There Aiden sat for the next three hours thinking about what will happen next and how he feels about meeting someone he hardly even knew in the middle of the night. In the middle of these thoughts, Aiden sees a flash from the corner of his eye out the front window and sees the parents of the kids he was watching pulling up in their small white sedan car. His heart skipped a beat because he knew that had meant it was almost time to meet. For a few minutes the parents were inside the house and then the mom pulls out a wrinkled twenty dollar bill that she had left from the bar from her pocket. She gave it to Aiden and they started to make their way back out to the car. While in the car driving through the cold, but very clear winter night, Aiden sent a message to Jackson saying that he was almost home. Aiden saw his house from down the street and as they pulled up to drop him off he began to panic because he had known that it was almost time to meet Jackson. As Aiden exited the car saying goodbye he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, but he didn’t want to answer just yet because he wanted the mom who had just dropped him off to think he was going straight inside and that he wasn’t up to anything. He walked toward the front door and sees the same flicker in the corner of his eye that he had saw when they pulled up earlier that night. He heard the humming sound of the car engine as it drove away and as the sound began to fade more and more and began to walk back out to the drive way.

                Aiden’s phone vibrated once again and when he looked at the message it had said “I am coming down the street right now.” Aiden’s heart skipped a beat once again and he began walking out in the direction that Jackson was coming from. Suddenly in the silent winter night he could hear the crunching sound of footsteps in the snow and slowly propped his head up. For a few seconds nothing was there but he could still hear the footsteps, but then a dark figure begins to turn around the corner of the street in the distance and Aiden stopped where he was for a clear look of what it was. As he focused in with his eyes he realized what he knew to be true and saw that it was indeed Jackson.

                Aiden began walking toward Jackson once again and soon enough, they were standing right in front of each other. One square of the sidewalk was raised much higher than the other and it was on the line in the middle of the two squares that they met. It was quite hard to see much because of how dark it was, but once they were walking side by side they could see each other in detail. Aiden only had on a small jacket, and blue jeans, while Jackson had on a pair of blue skinny jeans and a purple zebra patterned coat. Jackson also had long, straight, black hair. It was the first thing that Aiden had noticed about him because he had never seen such perfect hair on a boy before. From then on Aiden had sort of an obsession with Jackson’s hair.

                The two walked around the block of Aiden’s neighborhood in silence for about ten minutes when finally Jackson got a conversation going. The first thing that Jackson had asked was “What kind of music do you like?” Before Aiden had time to answer Jackson had already asked another question and said “Do you like Lady Gaga?” Aiden chuckled and replied with a simple “Yes.” Jackson pulled his phone out and began to play the latest song by her. From then on the song was stuck on repeat whenever they would spend time together.

                As they kept walking and walking the snow slowly began to fall from the sky. It was quite peaceful until all of a sudden it began to fall like a blizzard. The two began to run through the wind and hard falling snow until they reached the roof over the porch of Aiden’s house. Once they were under that they stood for a few moments in silence and they walked toward the stairs on Aiden’s porch and sat down on them. At first it was awkward, and silent. Aiden was beginning to regret meeting Jackson with nothing to talk about, but then the air became too cold to even be able to think. Jackson looked warm with his thick coat on, but Aiden was the opposite of warm. Aiden was so cold that he reached to Jackson and without hesitation snuggled next to him. Oddly enough, Aiden began to have a good feeling from being so close to Jackson. Soon, the cold temperature wasn’t the cause for the snuggling; it was the feeling that it gave the both of them.

                For the next hour or so they sat in the same spot and position without hardly any movement. It was fine for both of them however, because it was a good feeling. But in a matter of time their eyes locked on each other. Thoughts were racing through Aiden’s mind, but Jackson began to move closer towards Aiden. Aiden’s first instinct was to quickly back away but he couldn’t help but move towards Jackson. Their faces were centimeters away when suddenly their lips locked. It had been Aiden’s first kiss and he had no idea what he was doing, but he followed what his heart told him to do and kept his lips locked with Jackson. The kissing began to become more passionate and soon it was more than just a kiss, something rushed throughout Aiden’s body like a bolt of electricity. He had never felt anything like it before, and frankly, that was a good thing. After almost five minutes of kissing the two parted from each other for a few moments to catch a breath. Aiden couldn’t help but smile, and Jackson was also quite happy. One side of Aiden however had felt very different because he didn’t want to admit to himself that he liked a boy. But the other side didn’t care. All that mattered was that Jackson had given him the feeling that he had.

                Aiden and Jackson continued to sit close to each other for hours on end until soon they both began to doze off. Both of their legs and bodies were nostalgic for warmth, but they ignored it until it began to get light outside once again. The two realized how late, or in this case early it was and decided that it was time for both of them to make their separate ways to their own beds. Aiden quietly snuck into his house trying to keep from waking his parents up, but once he got inside his parents were already up making breakfast. Aiden’s mother asked “You stayed the night babysitting?” Aiden took the opportunity of getting passed telling where he honestly was and nodded. Aiden went down to his bedroom in the basement with numb feet and as he crawled into bed received a message from Jackson that read “I had the greatest time with you tonight Aiden, I really like you, and I think may be starting to love you.” Aiden was happier than he had ever been and replied back saying “Me too Jackson, get some sleep and I can’t wait to talk to you when I wake up.” 

Chapter 2: Anxiety

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